Mornings have become heavier. Hundred, thousand bricks on your chest.
That’s how it feels. The numbness is becoming so real.
The body parts seem not to function. You can’t move.
Afraid to open your eyes, for the fear of the thoughts that will flood your mind on seeing the surroundings. The surroundings that remind you of the exact reason why you can’t feel your heart anymore.
The slice of bread makes your hand heavier.
Your unbrushed teeth seem not to function well. Since when did bread dipped in milk need to be munched that hard?
You are trying to figure out if it’s your dirty tongue or the bread that’s tasting unpleasant.
It feels more like needles than bread from the pain you feel as the quarter digested bread slides down your throat.
Why can’t it all just go back to how it was? When their nasty stares and cruel comments didn’t matter?
Standing in front of the mirror looking at the person before you. All you see are those small lips and big nose, flabby stomach, a flat chest, and pale skin. Ugliness all over. Their voices are all you can hear: “Some things never change. Have you seen how Meerah looked today? Ugliness is her world.”
Their whispers are always stuck at the back of your head. The whispers they make when you give them your back.
The mirror reminds you of the big failure you are to the world.
The work of art you once thought was your skin.
The art on the canvas is beautiful. Turning your skin into it.
The razor in your hand, running it over your skin like a paint brush.
“You are a failure. You are ugly. The world doesn’t deserve people like you. You are a disappointment!” The words speed up the pace.
It hurts physically but it’s worth it. Worth making the world a better place without your presence.
Your family, friends, secret admirers, strangers, enemies will mourn for some time and it will all be gone.
They will forget you eventually.
But maybe, just maybe they will be thankful for what you did. They won’t have to worry anymore.
The world will be a better place without you.
That’s what you think.
But.
Have you ever thought that it’s okay to feel depressed?
Depression isn’t a sign of any weakness. Probably you are more stronger than the average person. To be able to fight back and live another day.
There is always hope. Just like any other illness, depression is treatable through therapy and medications.
It’s tomorrow that matters. Try to get through today and worry not about the future. I don’t promise that miracles will happen but trust The Almighty that it’ll get better with time; eventually.
Most importantly, you matter. Yes; YOU. In your world, believe it’s not about anyone else first. You are the priority of your life. Of all the people, the world deserves and needs you most.
Prayers may seem not to work out immediately on your problem, but never get tired. Allah will make a way.
Think of the few who got through it, I can’t say they had worse because it’s only you who knows what you really are going through, but at some point use them as an example. It’ll be over.
Try to give the others a deaf ear, they are probably going through something hence using you as an escape.
Their nasty comments don’t matter. You are beautiful the way you are.
Whatever you have achieved is worth to celebrate, it doesn’t matter if it’s not the degree, not the name brand, not the big figures in the bank account. It’s really about the little you managed to achieve. Who knows maybe you inspire someone out there. Focus on you and those few who understand you. Talk to them. They sure will help a bit.
Most people experience ups and downs in their life. They feel unhappy, depressed, stressed, anxious and lots more when going through difficult moments. You aren’t alone.
It’s a normal part of life.
Trust me. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.
